


Courage and Understanding

by Asmicarus



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 08:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11144604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asmicarus/pseuds/Asmicarus
Summary: JJ panics after his disastrous short program, but finds understanding in someone he least expects. He learns what it truly means to love yourself, and face the future without fear.





	Courage and Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> It is seen that JJ as a character actually is quite afraid of failure, so I thought that Yuuri would be a very interesting character for him to interact with as men who experience strong emotion they sometimes cannot place. 
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment, or point out any mistakes! You can find me on Tumblr under the name Asmicarus. I promise I don't bite! 
> 
> No characters are mine.
> 
> Enjoy! I love these guys! :D

The world seemed to be crashing around him, collapsing like an avalanche coupled with the feeling he was about to be swept away. A heavy weight rested on his shoulders like someone had made him carry heavy stones. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't speak. He felt as though he was falling. He was utterly out of control. JJ made his way off the ice, past his parents, as he tried to ignore their desperate calls after him. He sat in the corner of the men's locker room, around a corner so that he was out of sight from his competitors should they come through. He felt foolish, like a child. He had never had a program that badly in his life, and he'd never live it down if he let his competition see him, a nineteen-year-old adult, this pathetically in tears. Twenty-four-year-old Yuuri Katsuki had beaten him. Fifteen-year-old Yuri Plisetsky had beaten him. They had applied the pressure, and he had cracked. What kind of an athlete was beaten in their prime? In the peak of their career? He began to panic more, and clutched his chest with how hard his heart hammered against his ribcage. It almost hurt, like it was about to leap from his chest. He had worked so hard on this, his parents dedicated their time and money. His sweet Isabella made the effort to come out to see him, and he blew it. He had let them all down. He leaned his head against a nearby locker and sat on the low bench, trying to quiet a few sobs that wracked his frame, amplified by the acoustics of the empty space.

 

He was no king. He was a coward. A coward that let nerves get the better of him. He wished the confidence he put on could be real. He wished his mask was his face. He wished he could charm the crowd like Phichit, or be as sexy as Chris, but the crown of the king hid his real persona as a hollow shell. He could barely stomach it. He took a few deep and laboured breaths in a meager attempt to calm himself. The dim light was flickering on an off above his head, and he began to count quietly to himself to make him focus.

 

_One, two three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten_

_Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix_

 

He could feel himself coming around, and he was finally able to take one steady breath in and manage a shaky exhale. His nerves were beginning to calm down, and the room suddenly felt real again when he heard the door to the locker room swing open and hit the wall. He jumped back and cowered in the corner, turning away so that no one would see him, a vain attempt to hide his obvious weakness. The crack in his crown. The footsteps made their way around the corner and stopped when whoever it was must have seen him.

"JJ, is that you?" That wasn't the voice of Yuri Plisetsky coming to mock him. Nor was it Otabek Altin, Christophe Giacometti, or even Phichit Chulanont. He looked up warily in a daring act of bravery, and before him, face illuminated by the flickering of the light, was Yuuri Katsuki, hair slicked back, glasses on and tracksuit over his costume. He was staring at him with a vague look of shock and concern, and JJ felt himself begin to panic again. For once in his life, he couldn't say anything, he couldn't run and hide like he always did when he had episodes like this. He was about to have a panic attack in front of one of his biggest rivals.

 

He turned his body into the wall to shield himself from what he was certain was going to be mockery. The next thing he knew, Katsuki's weight was on the bench next to him.

"Hey, breathe, breathe. In for three, out for three." JJ followed along. He sounded as if he wanted to help. He counted with him as he inhaled and exhaled slowly to regulate himself. What was happening to him? His breathing began to steady, and the tremors in his hands, and the bouncing of his leg ceased. The tears streaming down his face tingled on his cheeks. He wiped them with the back of his hand and Yuuri handed him a towel to wipe his face.

"Thank you." JJ managed, burying his face into the softness and groaning a little in embarrassment. He felt exhausted. Katsuki's heavily accented English spoke softly in the quiet emptiness of the locker room. Gentle, but not patronising.

"It's okay. You had a rough turn out there today." JJ nodded and lifted his head to meet Katsuki's eyes.

 

He was surprised to see that there was no judging look on his face. No upward smirk of his lips, or sense of satisfaction that he had gone and failed out there today in front of everyone. His eyes were kind, and full of understanding.

"I don't think we've been introduced properly yet. I'm Yuuri." He held out his hand in invitation. JJ eyed it warily before taking it.

"Jean-Jacques. JJ for short." They shook gently, and a silence settled over them. It wasn't awkward, as JJ had predicted it would be. It was comfortable and settled warmly in the room before Yuuri let out a long sigh of exasperation.

"You know, you look exactly like I did after the last Grand Prix final." This made JJ look up unknowingly. Yuuri had these episodes as well? He didn't say anything though, just let Yuuri continue. He didn't think he could speak a full sentence even if he tried at the moment.

"I completely bombed out and screwed up every jump. I spend more time on my rear end than I did on my feet. I came off the ice, and did exactly what you did... Except it wasn't so nice to have Yuri Plisetsky kick down the door." JJ let out a huff of laughter at that, but there was no real amusement. Poor guy, must have been horrible for him.

 

"You're doing so well this season, though." JJ choked out, resting his forearms on his knees and leaning over them to catch his breath and stop his head from swimming. Yuuri looked fondly at the ring adorning his finger.

"It's all thanks to Viktor. Without him I certainly would have quit." JJ sat up to look at Yuuri with a kind of fondness he got when he saw people who needed help. He didn't know they were so similar.

"Hey, don't give him all the credit. It wasn't him that had the courage to go out there and do it again even after failing." Yuuri leaned back against the whitewashed wall of the locker room.

"I could say the same for you. Do you never tell anyone about your panic attacks? Your parents? Your fiancée?" JJ shook his head, turning slightly to see Yuuri looked concernedly over his hunched form.

 

 Were these panic attacks? He'd had these since he was little. His face buried in his pillow, crying even after his parents had tucked him in, and he told them he was fine. He was always 'fine'.  

"No. I couldn't do that. I have a reputation to uphold." Yuuri scoffed then, and JJ sat up to stare incredulously. Was he mocking him? Yuuri tutted and folded his arms over himself.

"Just because you portray yourself as confident doesn't mean you can't have your moments of weakness. In fact, I wouldn't even call it weakness. What you feel are real insecurities that come with being an athlete. I know. I get the same. That doesn't make me less of a person. Does Isabella cry?"

 

JJ sat back to match Yuuri's stance, his eyes wide. He probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Vulnerable and scared. He had never exchanged two words to Yuuri, yet here he was trying to help him.  

"Yeah. She cried when her grandma died." Yuuri nodded in acknowledgement.

"Does that make her weak?" JJ shook his head vehemently.

"No! She was just upset, she's allowed to cry when she's upset-"

"So are you. It's what makes you human." Yuuri looked off into the distance, as if he were imagining something just out of reach. "I have learned so much about love this season. Loving my skating, loving my family, my friends... even finding love in Viktor." he blushed. "But most importantly, I've learned to show love to myself."

 

JJ had never thought of it that way before. He thought back to all the people who had told him they loved him. His mother and father, his dear Isabella, his friends, people from his church, people he did charity fundraisers with. He was very much loved, but in moments like these he felt he'd let everyone down in his failure. He felt he didn't deserve the love they had to give. Loving himself? Not just in the king persona he put on, really, truly loving himself. It would take some getting used to if he were to try. He wasn't used to crying in front of people, or telling his parents how afraid he was at failing, or telling Isabella he was terrified of being an awful husband, or even being a bad Christian or a bad role model to people who looked up to him. Maybe... just maybe... it was time to admit that he wasn't perfect.

 

He looked over to Yuuri with a small smile, suddenly feeling a lot better. Revelations really did come in the strangest of forms. Yuuri Katsuki was a wonderfully wise man.

"Are you nervous about getting married?" Yuuri obviously had not been expecting that. He coughed a few times in shock, before his brows furrowed in almost a look of guilt.

"I'm absolutely terrified." they both gave a small chuckle.  
"Me too." That made Yuuri turn to face him.

"I'm so worried I won't live up to expectation! Viktor seems so sure about everything! He just announced us engaged out of the blue!" JJ gave a look of confused amusement.

"You living up to expectation? He has to live up too. Here's the thing my mum and dad taught me. Marriage is special, but different. You will mess up and make mistakes, it's just how you deal with them will be whether or not you'll last. By the looks of it, you and Viktor sort your disagreements like grown adults, and you obviously love each other to death. The world is your oyster." They smiled at one another, a small smile that had them finding they weren't so different after all, despite how they seemed on the outside. Such opposites sharing in a moment of human bonding over their human insecurities. It felt so very... human.

"You and Isabella look happy together." JJ spoke without a second thought.

"The wedding is next spring. I hope you and Viktor can make it." Yuuri looked a little taken aback at the sudden invitation from an almost complete stranger, but nodded nonetheless.

"We can certainly keep the calendar date clear."

 

They talked back and forth for a few more minutes, by this point JJ's face had returned to its normal colour, and the tear tracks had faded. He looked and felt normal again. They talked about the weddings, their fiancée and fiancés respectively, even a little about their parents and home life. Yuuri gave him some breathing tips for when anxiety got the better of him. JJ liked Yuuri, he liked him a lot. He was a kind and generous person. There were qualities in him that he decided he could adopt for himself. He decided that he would make a conscious effort to be kinder, and be gentler. He dared even consider Yuuri somewhat of a friend now. Certainly closer than they had been at least.

 

They didn’t realise how long they had been gone from the main arena when the door swung open once again and Viktor poked his head in.

"Yuuri, I've called a cab, and- Oh, am I interrupting?" Yuuri shook his head and stood from his place on the bench where his bum and thighs had been going a bit numb. JJ stood with him.

"I'll see you bright and early tomorrow, Katsuki. Thank you for your advice." JJ held out his hand and Yuuri took it politely.

"I hope you're ready for some serious competition." With that, they parted ways. Like two ships crossing each other in the dead of night. Now drifting away apart. JJ picked up his duffel bag with his skates and tracksuit in them. As he left, he just about managed to get a peek of Viktor and Yuuri standing outside the rink, arms around each other. Viktor pecked a small kiss to Yuuri's lips, and JJ found himself wishing them every blessing for their future. Maybe his wedding didn't have to overshadow theirs after all. Now it was just a question of who won gold first.

 

"There you are! I've been looking for you!" Isabella engulfed him in her arms, and JJ let himself inhale the familiar scent of her hair. She honestly gave the best hugs.

"It'll all be okay. You'll do an amazing free skate tomorrow and it'll be fine!" He loved this woman. He loved her so much. Her positivity was something he needed when his failed. They complimented each other like two instruments in perfect harmony. His parents came over to pat his back as well.

"Another hard day ahead of us. Let's go and get some sleep. Lots of catching up to do tomorrow." JJ nodded and zipped up his coat. He knew he was being unusually quiet, but he like the peace it gave. They left the rink, and it was like the weight from earlier had been lifted from his shoulders. Talking to Yuuri had actually really helped.

 

As he laid in bed that night he contemplated love. Immediately he remembers his parents.

 

_"JJ, no matter what happens, we'll always love you and you'll always be our son."_

He remembers his beloved fiancée. The most kind, lovely and beautiful woman that he believed he did not deserve.

 

_"Yes! Yes! I'll marry you! JJ, I love you so much!"_

He remembers Psalm 134. The one his Grandmother always used to say to him.

 

_'You are fearfully and wonderfully made.'_

He remembers the words of a loving human being who took the time out of his day to console him when he needed it most. 

_"This is what makes you human."_

 

So he decided that he would give this self-love a try and see where it led him. In that exact moment before he fell asleep, he felt an overwhelming sense of calm and the feeling that whatever happened, there were people around him who loved him, and he was going to be okay. 


End file.
